11:30 P.M. Thoughts

Is it time to give her morphine yet?

I wonder what Logan ate for dinner tonight... (he's still in Colorado working, we have bills to pay....adult life is so fun, right?)

What is her heart rate?

I need to find some more batteries...

Crap, the washing machine is done but I'm too busy to go switch it out...

Man, I didn't get the chance to brush my teeth today. Gross...

Where did my cup of ice water go?

My eyebrows need to be waxed....BAD.

Is she comfortable? 

These are just a few of my 11:30p.m. thoughts.

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My days are all mashed together. My mind is so blank, yet running a million miles per minute. I'm so emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausted. The first 48 hours, I only got 4 hours of sleep. 

We all have been working day and night to keep my mother comfortable. Our days are spent giving medications, doing laundry, crying, looking through old photos, sitting by her side, laughing, telling stories, holding hands, and doing ANYTHING we can to make sure we have a happy mom. 

After all, a happy mom is a happy family. Our nights are spent analyzing and over-analyzing every breath she takes, and making sure that she is comfortable through the night. 

As the body is in the dying process, secretions will build up in the throat and airway. 

Tonight (along with almost every other night....) she's been going through some coughing fits. 

Her whole body will convulse as she tries to cough up all of the mucus. 

My bed tonight is a bench, set next to her bed. This way, when she coughs and her legs fly off the bed, I can easily put them back on without having to walk all the way across the room.

I've already given her some morphine, for any discomfort, I recently gave her some atropine so that her body will slow the secretions, she won't be coughing through the night, and can rest peacefully.

My dad and Claire are asleep in his bed, Carson is sleeping on the other side of her hospital bed. Jake and Brooke are sleeping on the floor, and Reece sleeps under my bench. 

Together a family, we have worked 24/7 to provide the care that my mother needs. For now, our home has become a little hospital. While she has hospice nurses and aids, as a family, we are her care team; we each are a nurse. We each are an aid. 

We rarely leave her side, and she hasn't any needs that are unmet. 

It sounds exhausting right? 

This has truly been the hardest week of my life.

......but this has also been the most peaceful, most love-filled week of my life. 

On average, during the first year of life, a baby will go through 2,500-3,000 diapers. 

Multiply that by about 3 years, and you get 7500. Multiply that by 5 Broadbent kids and you get 37,500. Now, I'm sure my dad changed 1 or 2 of those (ha, ha).... (also note that math is my worst subject, and I'm super tired right now, so maybe those numbers are off, but it's still a lot of diapers.....)

That's a whole lot of diapers. 

So that's a whole lot of love.

For the last 23 years, my mother's world revolved around loving, and caring for her children. 

I know for a FACT that we were all her #1 priority, and on top of caring for us, she cared for many other friends and family members. 

So while we may all be SO tired, a little over-worked....and maybe a little grumpy here and there...

I KNOW that none of us would have it any other way. 

Our world's are revolving around caring for her, just as her world used to revolve around caring for us. (37,500 diapers....)

How lucky are we, to have this opportunity to serve, and to love her back? 

How lucky are we, to be able to provide her with the care she deserves?

We are so lucky.

My mother is right next to me. She is quietly snoring as I type away, sitting on my little bench. 

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I am happy.

I am incredibly blessed.

After 3 days of being in a coma-like state, she woke up today.

My mom kissed me so many times today. 

I heard her say "I love you," today.

Everything will be okay.

These are just a few of my 11:30p.m. thoughts..... ❤︎

Pink Piggies and Prayers

Today, I am the epitome of a hot mess. 


I am sitting here on my bed, next to a tub of peanut butter ice cream, and a Chinese takeout box of potstickers. My hair is falling out of a very messy ponytail, and the mascara that I so carefully put on for my new drivers license photo, is running down my cheeks. My lips are severely chapped. In lieu of a shirt, I'm wearing a big, white, fluffy robe. I still have my jeans on, and only one of my shoes is tied. 


The painful reality, is that my mom is quickly deteriorating, and our time with her is rapidly closing in. I'm racking my brain, trying to think of any and all memories of her. I'm trying to hold onto anything that I can. 


-Her love for Alan Jackson, Alison Krauss, and the Dixie Chicks
-Daisies
-Writing every minute of our lives on her calendar 
-Cadbury eggs 
-Listening to the Tarzan CD on repeat, specifically "You'll be In My Heart"
-Her saying "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as I'm living my baby you'll be."
-Zappos.com was happy to deliver 2+ packages a week to her
-Introducing us to Zonkeys (Zebra/Donkey hybrid)
-The fact that her secret identity is Wonder Woman
-Drawing pink piggies around our belly buttons before bath time


 Earlier today, I slammed my fist into the wall, slid to my knees and cried out. 
For the first time ever, I asked....


Why?


As I knelt with my head against the wall, the scripture Matthew 7:7-8 entered my head:

"Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. "

I prayed, in a way that I haven't prayed in a very long time. I asked Heavenly Father, 'why?' I quickly received an answer, through some articles in the Ensign/LDS.org.

 I have never felt more peace in my entire life. 

“I recognize that, on occasion, some of our most fervent prayers may seem to go unanswered. We wonder, ‘Why?’ I know that feeling! I know the fears and tears of such moments. But I also know that our prayers are never ignored. Our faith is never unappreciated. I know that an all-wise Heavenly Father’s perspective is much broader than is ours. While we know of our mortal problems and pain, He knows of our immortal progress and potential. If we pray to know His will and submit ourselves to it with patience and courage, heavenly healing can take place in His own way and time.”

—Russell M. Nelson, "Jesus Christ—the Master Healer," Ensign, Nov. 2005, 86

 “There is terrible suffering in our world today. Tragic things happen to good people. God does not cause them, nor does He always prevent them. He does, however, strengthen us and bless us with His peace, through earnest prayer.”

—Rex D. Pinegar, "Peace through Prayer," Ensign, May 1993, 67

After receiving the answer to 'why?', I wondered 'how?' 

How are we supposed to get through this?

Again, I received my answer through Ensign articles/LDS.org

“Never assume that you can make it alone. You need the help of the Lord. Never hesitate to get on your knees in some private place and speak with Him.”

—Gordon B. Hinckley, "Stay on the High Road," Ensign,May 2004, 114

“Our Father in Heaven has promised us peace in times of trial and has provided a way for us to come to Him in our need. He has given us the privilege and power of prayer. He has told us to ‘pray always’ and has promised He will pour out his Spirit upon us.”

—Rex D. Pinegar, "Peace through Prayer," Ensign, May 1993, 66

“We are all subject to sorrow and suffering, to disease and death. Through times good and bad, the Lord expects each of us to endure to the end. As we all go forward together in His sacred work, the Brethren realize the importance of your thoughtful consideration, so lovingly offered and gratefully received. We love you and pray for you, as you pray for us.”

—Russell M. Nelson, “Jesus Christ—the Master Healer,” Ensign, Nov. 2005, 85

“When sore trials come upon us, it’s time to deepen our faith in God, to work hard, and to serve others. Then He will heal our broken hearts. He will bestow upon us personal peace and comfort. Those great gifts will not be destroyed, even by death.”

—Russell M. Nelson, “Jesus Christ—the Master Healer,” Ensign, Nov. 2005, 87

So why is it that we are having to endure through this trial?

 Because it's part of the Lords plan. 

During the times when we feel most alone, we have a Savior who knows EXACTLY what we are going through. And how we will get through this, is by putting our faith, and trust in Him.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me."

-Philippians 4:13